If you've landed on this page, then clearly you want to know everything I ever wrote about Sydney Cook. Here goes.

The E prefix signifies an event, not a journal entry.

E: August 15, 2016 - Tenth Grade Begins

E: August 29, 2016 - I begin to take interest in Sydney.

E: October 14, 2016 - I send an e-mail to Sydney notifying her of my interest in her.

October 17, 2016 - At The Start
I honestly just don't know anymore. She's becoming more and more present in my thoughts, she's been able to get my mind off of games, Nosiphus, and anything else that I've ever thought of. It's becoming increasingly apparent that there is little I can do to stop it, and since I've already sent an e-mail, there's no possible way for me to keep this a secret for any longer. I am in love with Sydney Cook, there is no honest way left for me to deny that. If I say nothing, it will continue to consume me, yet if I do, there's no way to prevent my closest friends from knowing. I love her. For too long, I've noticed her. The way she smiles and laughs  fills me with so much happiness. I hate having to be like this, stuck in a state where I have an overpowering crush. When this feeling overpowers me, there's little that those old nostalgic feelings about Nosiphus can do. This may result in Soft Rock being ripped away from its connection to 2013, although that would be very drastic.

Sydney, if you do ever read this, I do indeed like you, and it's extremely intense.

Sean Crain
President of the Nosiphus Union

October 18, 2016 - The Reaction
So, after this, I must say that Sydney's reaction was very mild. However, this has not dented my interest in her at all. And during the events that unfolded, I did gain access to her Instagram, which she had blocked when the Nosiphus and my personal account were merged. I will try to confer with her more often now that yesterday's fiasco is over. As for Nosiphus, however, soft rock is still strongly connected to early 2013, and it needs to remain that way. As for now, I have things within Nosiphus that I need to take care of.

November 29, 2016 - The Torment
The torment doesn't end. Over the last few weeks, my interests have been swinging back and forth between the aforementioned Cook and Harlee Novak, a girl who I began to pay attention to at the end of eighth grade. During ninth grade, when Novak was at the junior high and I never saw Cook due to scheduling, my interests went away. Now, they're back, and the internal conflicting is great.

E: December 4, 2016 - I confer with a friend, Kay, on the matter of the Cook-Novak conflict. She tells me to focus entirely on Sydney due to the circumstances.

December 5, 2016 - Temporary Relief
I may be okay now.

After conferring with Kay, I may be able to completely eliminate any trace of interest in Harlee Novak at long last. My god, if I could do that, then I can focus wholly on Sydney Cook, and that would be lovely. I want this constant feeling of interest going back and forth to stop. I know Cook personally, I can actually talk to her, unlike other girls, and maybe I can become closer to her eventually.

As for Nosiphus, the Christmas specials are planned, and the 2017 ball drop is in progress.

December 9, 2016 - Resistance Is Futile
Oh, my heart aches.

Kay's advice has helped me so much that it has drained all interest in Novak. Now, Sydney Cook's image is deeply embedded in my brain, and I like her more than ever. I'm falling in love for the first time in many years, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I adore her immensely, to a point where, dare I say it, resistance is futile. Sadly, it's all a thought. I don't know if I'll ever make progress on it. With Sydney now my sole interest, it pains me to make myself leave her be. If Cook ever reads this, I doubt anything in particular would change. The only hope I have is for Wyatt Mote to bring up enough Nosiphus nostalgia to offset this. But, slowly, I fear some of those songs from early Nosiphus could be reprogrammed to fit Sydney instead of the Summer of 2013.

If something does happen, I know the mistakes of the Madison McGill era and will not do that. I'm looking at Sydney now. Seeing her is very powerful. I've been into her since school restarted, and I'll be damned if I do nothing.

E: February 13, 2017 - A friend of mine informs me of his interest in Sydney. This acts as a catalyst that fuels the subsiding interest in Sydney to roar back, as a deliberate measure of paternalistic protectionism.

February 16, 2017 - Repression
As the song goes, love hurts.

I have continually tried to prevent my feelings for Sydney from surfacing. While she is fully aware I like her, I attempt to leave her be as much as I can. It's agonizing, and I feel as if I'm hiding something. Even when I admit I like her, I don't pursue it, and I know that she's happier on her own. But, when I can take the opportunity to make her laugh, I gladly do it. It makes me feel a little better. If she did accept me, I don't know if I could handle it. I remember the Madison era quite well. In order to protect my emotions I refer to gaming as a consistent factor. That drives most girls away. But, Nosiphus is too large of a factor to sideline, and without it I wouldn't have the friends I have.

In addition to trying in vain to keep Sydney Cook out of my mind, I also have to maintain distance from my former interest Harlee Novak. While I can ignore her a lot easier, I have on multiple occasions found myself way too close to her, and although that era is over, I still have to distance myself from her.

My love of Sydney is also known. On multiple occasions people have asked me about her, and I know why they do. I have to engage in constant protectionism. Rachael Cook, a girl who I don't even know, recognized me. I fear she may be Sydney's sister, though I don't know for certain. Carson is aware as well, she's informed me that Cook lives in my area. There is one place that I can call a sanctuary, and that's my house. As more people discover it, I have to worry they'll find me, and I don't want my home to lose its childhood feeling. It's the only place I've ever lived, and I don't want Sydney close by. That would be terrifying.

February 17, 2017
I've gone and done it. I asked the girl for her phone number. This is not going to end well.

E: February 18, 2017 - After Wyatt and I record Destruction Is Fun, I inform Sydney for the first time that I did not just like her, I felt love for her. She instantly told me off, which gave me a great feeling of release, however, I did not see the coming pain that would sit in me until May 4.

March 1, 2017 - The Non-Political Protectionist
I was terrified last night.

The storm system that moved through produced a tornado, and I was terrified that Sydney could've gotten hurt. I constantly updated her, as I felt that if something bad had happened, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hadn't said anything to her.

March 2, 2017 - Emotional Expressions
It seems now that the only way I can express my emotions is to write them down. I am continually going to do this, in a vain effort to keep the love depression away.

Every time I see Sydney, every time I talk to her, every time I message her, I feel this way. Cook is still a very powerful force. I have fallen back down further into the Ring of Fire than before February 18. I fear the summer. Anytime that I have no contact with her, I feel very, very bad.

And yet my interest in her is changing me for the better. For one, video games are losing my attention. I've finally reached the point that Minecraft can no longer console me, and as for YouTube, I wonder if it's time to change.

I am actually slightly interested in driving now. I think back to when I was a child driving that toy truck. I also remember that one time I drove the car in the parking lot. It wasn't all that bad to drive. It seems that I'm seeing a resurgence in the pre-2009, pre-Internet me.

It's at these times that I wonder: how can I change for the better? As I become more outgoing, I can also feel this spring-summer feeling from many years ago re-surging. The question simply put is: Do I attempt to pursue Cook and restore myself back to my pre-tech days? Or do I continue on as I have since '09? I don't know for certain, but if I can turn back the clock, then I should.

The thing I've wondered is how? Even though I want to get out of the house more often now, I don't know if I can. I'm extremely shy when it comes to women, and Cook, like her predecessors, is likely a short-lived crush. (So far, it hasn't been, since while I've told her I've liked her since August 2016, I actually liked her the moment I met her.)

But the girl is also critical to this altercation. She lives off of (road name redacted). I have probably driven by her house before. While I dare never to visit as long as current relations are the way they are, it could be useful to reform my interactions with her.

March 3, 2017 - Too Strong An Influence
I look at her now, So inquisitive, so cute, so charming. It's torture not being able to hold her. Yet I must continue like this. She has very little interest in me. I love her so much.'

It's not remotely sexual. I've never thought of her in that way. I think of her more intimately, more romantically. Anytime I don't have communication with Sydney, a massive sad feeling comes over me.

I'm back in EAST now. I shall utilize sad emotions to keep me in a nonhurt state. The exact sad music I've avoided is what will keep me from becoming ultra-depressed.

March 8, 2017 - How Much I Feel
Every passing day, I feel stronger and stronger about her. At this point, it seems I can do nothing.

Thoughts about politics can make the feelings subside, but not for very long. I have found some comfort from some songs: Ambrosia's How Much I Feel in particular has been very good at eliminating sadness, though the raw emotion continues to get more and more powerful.

It's gotten to the point of where any moment I'm not near her or unable to communicate with her, a deeply powerful emotional pain sets in.

How did I fall for this girl? I don't know.

But one thing remains true. It has become even more so.

Sydney, I love you.

My admittance of the truth is painful, but I must admit it to keep myself from slipping into depression.

March 10, 2017 - The Wait of a Lifetime
Now we play the waiting game.

I gave the note to Ellen Grace, who, in turn, will give it to Sydney. I worry what her reaction will be. At best, I hope it's just a thank-you note. At worst, I could face a situation of losing her entirely.

The usual feeling of pain has been replaced by a sense of worry. The next time I see her, she would've read that note, and I don't know if I can face her after that.

I want to take a nap. Luckily, I will not cross paths with her until Monday, but I can message her between now and then. The message she may send to me after that note is one I both desire and fear.

Anything after March 10 is part of The Story of Sean.
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